When Matt Canada woke up on Tuesday, he knew he was going to be fired. He also knew he was getting his job back. How? It’s magic. Yes, literal magic, apparently.
In what must surely be one of the weirdest stories in the history of the NFL, Matt Canada is back as Offensive Coordinator of the NFL team in Pittsburgh. This time, he promises, things will be different, but it’s not because he has changed. The blame, it turns out, for the offensive woes of the Steelers goes to – wait for it – the fans.
Yes. You, Steelers Nation, are to blame.
And, Matt Canada can prove it.
We were skeptical, as any rational person would likely be. Of all the idiotic outcomes of a firing, blaming the fans seemed a bit ridiculous, not to mention horribly wrong.
The “Magic of Matt,” as he promises will soon be worn on T-shirts by the Steelers faithful, goes beyond the football field. It starts and ends in his brain, that of a hidden genius, the sort who is unappreciated until it is often too late. But, this time, something happened.
When Mike Tomlin woke up this morning, he knew he was hiring Matt Canada back. “We made a big mistake!” Tomlin revealed that, in a dream, Art Rooney, Sr., the founder of the Steelers, told him that Matt Canada needed to be the Offensive Coordinator. Rooney, according to Tomlin, said, “The path to the Super Bowl goes through Canada.” While Tomlin briefly thought Rooney meant the country Canada, he didn’t see how that made any sense.
“Unless there is some unprecedented diversion of traffic from Pittsburgh through Toronto, I’m not seeing that as a viable interpretation of Mr. Rooney’s clear message,” Tomlin said. “He was adamant, and so am I. We made a big mistake! Matt Canada is back.”
While details were not made known, Canada is expected to have a salary increase and extension. Meanwhile, Canada is working on a “Redemption for the Fans” program, addressing the lackluster performance of fans at games and the negative energy they have used to strangle the offense. “It’s offensive. No pun intended,” said Canada.
It’s time for the magic to happen. However, it starts with the fans. What we need is positive vibes. It’s real. We require people to be cheering us on at all times, even when we fail. They should rejoice in our failures because that is how we learn. Failing is key. But, so is the energy after you fail. How can we improve if we don’t get the support of our fans?
Canada also said he was going to ask fans to come up with offensive plays and would have a “raffle-type thing” where he chooses some at random every week. Because Canada practices magic, he believes the right plays will “choose themselves.” Furthermore, defenses will have no idea what we are doing because we won’t know either! That it how you win. Confusion and optimism. It’s all random, but we can enjoy it.
“We have to get our mojo back. The fans have to get theirs back. Really, it’s all up to them. At this point, as much as I hate to say it, the fans have to step up their game. And, I’m willing to help them do that.”
Tomlin said that Canada’s comments convinced him that he’s been missing the big picture for years. “I always took the blame, the responsibility. However, I see now that it’s never about me, the head coach. It’s always about the fans. They get the glory, they get the blame.”
“People who wave a terrible towel need to not be terrible. They need to follow the lead of Matt Canada, and we can win a Super Bowl together! We will support our fans, but they have to do their part. I’d hate to think of coaching the Altoona Steelers. But, if the fans can’t do their job, we may have to make a change.”
Canada said he was “pleased, though waiting to see what happens” after hearing Tomlin’s assessment of the Steelers fans. “I’m an optimist. I believe they can change, but it’s ultimately up to them. We need their help, and I hope they come through, especially with designing some innovative plays. That can’t all be on me. It’s time they quit complaining and helped make this team better!”
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